Saturday, November 28, 2009

From the Vault: Jones Soda Holiday Pack

Despite just starting Cincinnati Nomerati in January, I've actually kept a few written (and occasionally witty) records of the past. Today I saw a video that made me want to drag an entry out of the vault. It was written in 2005— David and I were just friends then; and he would help me with manual tasks around the house in exchange for dinner, occasionally going along with some crazy whimsical plan at my request. Come to think of it, not much has really changed.

It was a chilly and cold night in November, 2005....

“I bought the holiday pack from target on a whim, dragging good natured David along with me. As David—such a gentleman—carried the box to the checkout and set it on the conveyor belt, the target cashier looked at us and said "Are you guys really going to drink this?" I somewhat defiantly replied “yes.”

David looked uncomfortable. This had been my idea, after all. And we all know that sometimes those aren't the wisest. I am recalling a certain fake-tanning lotion incident that ended with me looking like an oompa loompa.

But much to David's dismay, we tried each and every one of the sodas, taking turns, because only one of us could stand by the sink at one time as a precaution against vomiting on the floor. Even the cat looked apprehensive.

Sodas: Herb stuffing; Cranberry;Turkey and Gravy; Brussel Sprout;Pumpkin Pie

David and I decided to start out with the least offensive brew, cranberry.
smells like: cranberry cocktail
tastes like: watered down cranberry cocktail. go figure.
awfulness rating:1 out of 5. Not bad.

With the mildest of the Sodas out of the way, we progressed on to the next logical choice, Pumpkin pie. Taking a whiff after opening the bottle, David said abruptly, "Oh god, it actually smells like pumpkins."
My thoughts were as follows; “Great, I don't really like pumpkins”.

Pumpkin Pie:
smells like: spices and pumpkins...did I mention spices?
tastes like: pumpkin, but mostly some kind of cinnamon nutmeg flavor. The pumpkin flavor just kind of sits in the background, flipping through a magazine.
awfulness rating: 2 out of 5

Brussel Sprouts:
This soda is by far the most fearsome, both in imagination and in color. It looks like split pea soup in water. It smelled like the gates of hell, or that unwashed bum on McMillan that always asks for change. David took a sniff from the bottle and made a gagging noise. I observed his facial expression and laughed in my chair...until it was time to drink this stuff that resembled stagnant pond water.
Hell, I won't eat brussel sprouts when they occur naturally.
smells like: The inside of a trash can, a poopy cat box that no one has cleaned for weeks.
tastes like: And we thought the smell was bad. David took a swig and dove for the sink, promptly washing his mouth out three times. It tastes bitter. In my opinion, it tastes like I imagine a fart would in liquid form. upon drinking, I copy Davids move and run to the sink. Five minutes later, I still could taste it. If you've ever wondered what licking the inside of a garbage can would taste like, boy do I have a treat for you.

awfulness rating: 5 out of 5. Never again.

So we put the cap back on the bottle and tried to forget.

Herb Stuffing:
smells like: herbs and spices, broth.
tastes like: salt. herbs. alkaseltzer, sodium bicarbonate
An altogether strange experience. Salty soda. Weird. Overall, not particularly bad....for a soda flavored like a food. It is not, David and I concurred, something one would drink for enjoyment or refreshment. It tasted like I was drinking saline from a beaker in chemistry.
awfulness rating: 3 out of 5

Turkey and Gravy:

This is the headliner of the Jones Soda Holiday Pack tour. It resembled poopy toilet water, but it didn't have the ominous feel of the brussel sprouts. Before we drank, we checked to see if turkey was an actual ingredient in the soda. Alas, it is not. The question does remain, though: What is in the soda instead of turkey to make is taste like turkey? We may never know.
smells like
: not really much of anything. unexpected.
tastes like
: salt. some residual turkey taste, but very muted. Kind of disappointing.
awfulness rating
: 3 out of 5

Conclusion: Jones holiday sodas are a novelty item. Other than the cranberry, the others are not good for drinking for "funzies". It is best to stick to strawberry kiwi and green apple. And brussel sprouts should never, ever, be made into a soda. At least the sodas all boast no sugar and no calories. Apparently there is also a Salmon pate soda. I do not know what to think of this. Words fail.

Trials over, David and I settled in with a bottle of Liebfraumilch and white zinfandel to watch a B horror movie.”

Apparently Jones Soda Scientists have recently been hard at work on their holiday line and produced a tofurkey and gravy soda, which Conan made an unfortunate employee try. While hilarious, I'm sure it tasted pretty yucky. I think he can at least be grateful it was not brussel sprouts.

1 comment:

  1. ok, i bought the jones holiday pack for brian that same year cause he had his wisdom teeth pulled and his face looked like he'd met the wrong end of a baseball bat. if you would care to revisit, i still have the pack unopened collecting dust in my basement.

    other "foods" that fall into this same category are bertie bott's every flavor beans.


I try to be honest, fair and keep a good sense of humor in my posts--I would appreciate if you follow the same policy with your comments.