It was a chilly and cold night in November, 2005....
“I bought the holiday pack from target on a whim, dragging good natured David along with me. As David—such a gentleman—carried the box to the checkout and set it on the conveyor belt, the target cashier looked at us and said "Are you guys really going to drink this?" I somewhat defiantly replied “yes.”
David looked uncomfortable. This had been my idea, after all. And we all know that sometimes those aren't the wisest. I am recalling a certain fake-tanning lotion incident that ended with me looking like an oompa loompa.
But much to David's dismay, we tried each and every one of the sodas, taking turns, because only one of us could stand by the sink at one time as a precaution against vomiting on the floor. Even the cat looked apprehensive.
Sodas: Herb stuffing; Cranberry;Turkey and Gravy; Brussel Sprout;Pumpkin Pie
David and I decided to start out with the least offensive brew, cranberry.
smells like: cranberry cocktail
tastes like: watered down cranberry cocktail. go figure.
awfulness rating:1 out of 5. Not bad.
With the mildest of the Sodas out of the way, we progressed on to the next logical choice, Pumpkin pie. Taking a whiff after opening the bottle, David said abruptly, "Oh god, it actually smells like pumpkins."
My thoughts were as follows; “Great, I don't really like pumpkins”.
smells like: spices and pumpkins...did I mention spices?
tastes like: pumpkin, but mostly some kind of cinnamon nutmeg flavor. The pumpkin flavor just kind of sits in the background, flipping through a magazine.
awfulness rating: 2 out of 5
This soda is by far the most fearsome, both in imagination and in color. It looks like split pea soup in water. It smelled like the gates of hell, or that unwashed bum on McMillan that always asks for change. David took a sniff from the bottle and made a gagging noise. I observed his facial expression and laughed in my chair...until it was time to drink this stuff that resembled stagnant pond water.
Hell, I won't eat brussel sprouts when they occur naturally.
smells like: The inside of a trash can, a poopy cat box that no one has cleaned for weeks.
tastes like: And we thought the smell was bad. David took a swig and dove for the sink, promptly washing his mouth out three times. It tastes bitter. In my opinion, it tastes like I imagine a fart would in liquid form. upon drinking, I copy Davids move and run to the sink. Five minutes later, I still could taste it. If you've ever wondered what licking the inside of a garbage can would taste like, boy do I have a treat for you.
So we put the cap back on the bottle and tried to forget.
smells like: herbs and spices, broth.
tastes like: salt. herbs. alkaseltzer, sodium bicarbonate
An altogether strange experience. Salty soda. Weird. Overall, not particularly bad....for a soda flavored like a food. It is not, David and I concurred, something one would drink for enjoyment or refreshment. It tasted like I was drinking saline from a beaker in chemistry.
awfulness rating: 3 out of 5
Turkey and Gravy:
smells like: not really much of anything. unexpected.
tastes like: salt. some residual turkey taste, but very muted. Kind of disappointing.
awfulness rating: 3 out of 5
Conclusion: Jones holiday sodas are a novelty item. Other than the cranberry, the others are not good for drinking for "funzies". It is best to stick to strawberry kiwi and green apple. And brussel sprouts should never, ever, be made into a soda. At least the sodas all boast no sugar and no calories. Apparently there is also a Salmon pate soda. I do not know what to think of this. Words fail.
Trials over, David and I settled in with a bottle of Liebfraumilch and white zinfandel to watch a B horror movie.”
Apparently Jones Soda Scientists have recently been hard at work on their holiday line and produced a tofurkey and gravy soda, which Conan made an unfortunate employee try. While hilarious, I'm sure it tasted pretty yucky. I think he can at least be grateful it was not brussel sprouts.